How could I have loved the Eater of Souls, you might ask? She played games with my head, she mocked my insecurities, she refused to have sex with me because she said she felt like her dog was watching. Her dog was in New Jersey. She just felt like he was watching. You know, across space and time. He was that kind of dog.

But despite all this she was perfect for me. That is, until one day I woke up and looked over at her sleeping face and noticed something. I was unhappy. I loved her, I ache for her to this day, but I wasn’t happy. So I did the hardest and most courageous thing I have ever done. I broke up with her a month later by e-mail. Okay, in many ways, I’m small. But

I’m trying to get bigger.

David’s a mess. He doesn’t know how to get over his ex, the Eater of Souls. He tried traditional methods, such as sleeping with a co-worker and looking at his female friends in a new light. He’s even tried talking to his parents – only to discover that they’re definitely having a lot more sex than he is right now. But the Eater of Souls is still there, like a phantom limb after a painful amputation.

Then along comes the Goddess. She’s funny, she’s clever, she’s beautiful: in short, she’s perfect. But, as David well knows, the problem isn’t meeting the woman of your dreams – it’s managing not to screw up once you’ve found her.